An Alcoholic's Blog

Monday, October 09, 2006

RESPONSES
I am still dealing with, digesting, pondering your opportunity e-mail & aside from thinking you are too hard on yourself, I admire your emotion, honesty, willingness to share w/ those you care about, your candor, depth of feeling, STRENGTH of character (NOT WEAK), ability to express it oh so well, and I could go on. I am crazed myself, with the move, mortgage, decisions, all the usual stuff but all at once right now, so I am not getting my head around it which will take time. Have you been to therapy for this? It sounds like you have! Have the reverberations been what you expected?

I feel a crushing sadness that my family gave this to you...no, I am not being defensive, I swear & know & agree that I am one of your family, perhaps the only one, who has personality changes when I drink heavily, I've been told this for years. Perhaps your opportunity is also an opportunity for serious soul searching for me, as well, tho I realize this is about you. Everyone will read something different for themselves into your startling revelation.

You are a brave & lucky man to be so talented, healthy, handsome, successful, smart, insightful & I am not joking when I say that. I think you have just as great a personality when you are not drinking as when you are...YOU just don't think so. You are a jokester! A sweet & loving one at that

I love you more every time I get another glimpse into your soul...and will never forget what you did for me for my birthday, especially the room that you & Jakie did.

The thought process behind it is what I especially appreciate...always

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Welcome

This blog was initially created as a place for me to write and share my thoughts on alcohol and how it has affected my life. But after "coming out" as an alcoholic to all my friends and family, I decided to make my journal public so that other people could experience and possibly benefit from my revelations. It starts with my "COMING-OUT" letter, which is below this welcome message. Read this letter and you will know a lot about me...especially as it relates to alcohol. This blog will also share the RESPONSES to my coming out letter. These responses are about me but will really help anybody that is thinking of making a positive change in their lives, especially as it relates to substance abuse. Finally, I will share my alcohol memories or FLASHBACKS. These are the stupid things we do when drinking. I will add this content most often. If you would like to share your message, please do. If you could label your blogs as COMING OUT, RESPONSES or FLASHBACKS, it'll help people navigate the site to find what they are looking for. Thanks for reading and sharing. Rich

MY ALCOHOL "COMING-OUT" LETTER

HOW IT ALL STARTED (written 9/30/06; sent 10/2/06) Family and Friends, It's taken years to admit this to myself, but I am an alcoholic. More specifically, I'm what the textbooks would call a high-functioning alcoholic. The signs have always been there, I've just chosen to ignore them until now. For most of my life since college, I've been a social and a binge drinker. The social part was mostly for work, which often encouraged and in a strange way, rewarded drinking...often times heavy drinking. I also drank for social courage, which I believe is true for a lot of people...however those people may not have my problem. I've always felt the need to be accepted, to be liked...and people really seemed to like me when I drank. I'd develop better relationships with customers and that, combined with a solid work ethic has helped make me successful. When drinking, it was rare when my already outgoing personality didn't get a little more outrageous...I'd usually be the talk of the party...and it made me feel good. I think people like the fact that I am "innocently" outrageous. People that knew me would say there goes Rich again...those that didn't may have thought differently...only hearing the words and seeing the actions, but not knowing the person. Most mornings after drinking, I'd wake with a slight headache and go about my business. Occasionally it would be worse. I'd always regret drinking the next day, but never enough to do anything concrete about it...after all, it was part of the job and hard to imagine quitting given the expectation that I had helped create over the years. In addition, there just seem to be so many opportunities to drink. It's like being on a diet and it is Thanksgiving all year round. On the bad occasions, the black-outs, I always had a strong desire to quit drinking the next day. Black-out episodes are common among alcoholics. And they are really frightening. It's like having temporary amnesia and somebody telling you what you had done during that small portion of your life...you're at the mercy of the story and it is harrowing. Unfortunately, the desire to stop drinking would pass with the dullness in my head and I'd find myself in another drinking situation a week or a month later -- every one of which had the potential to "a bad occasion." I used to think of alcoholism as somebody that drinks every day...a person that craves alcohol constantly. Well that's not me. While I would "plan" on drinking sometimes (Vegas, bachelor parties, weddings, etc), I never craved alcohol...that is until there was alcohol in my system. Once I started drinking, I wanted more. I remember in college rooting through the house after a party, when everybody was asleep, looking for alcohol. Didn't think much of it back then...everybody drank...I was no different...but I was and am different. I can go months without drinking...not because I'm trying not to drink, but because the opportunities weren't there. No cravings, no desire, no thoughts of alcohol. That would trick me into thinking that I didn't have a problem. Lately I've felt very proud of myself for NOT getting drunk when there was a drinking opportunity. Quite honestly, that scares me more than anything. I've kept this secret pretty hidden for a long while. Except for those that know me really well, they've never seen the "other" Rich. Recently, however, the other Rich is appearing more and more often. What used to happen once every 3 years is happening more frequently. Worse yet, my wife has been telling me this for a few years. She trusts me implicitly, except when I drink. I'm beginning to understand. My grandfather was an alcoholic. My uncle died from drug and alcohol abuse. And there are members of my family that can have severe personality changes when they drink heavily. The seed is there. While drunk, I don't do much besides embarrass myself, but I'm petrified of the time when it's more. And I know if I continue drinking, that day will come. You can all conjure up what "more" means to you, but more to me means destroying the trust of the people I love and respect...something I would never do while sober. I know I've already damaged that trust to some extent, I just don't want to do it anymore. In fact, I want my friends and family to think of me with a positive respect when it comes to alcohol...like I do with my courageous friends that do not drink. It will take some time for me to earn that respect...but I will. So here I sit. Accepting of the fact that I'm an alcoholic and developing a plan to heal (I am a researcher at heart you know). I'm writing this to many different people in different areas of my life...but the message is the same. In order for me to get better, I need for all those that I respect and care about to KNOW that I have a problem. While this note is coming from a known jokester, it is no joke. Please don't feel sorry, I'm actually really excited. My life has been dulled by alcohol for 25 years...it's time to sharpen-up. Wish me well in your own way. No need to call. Messages of positive encouragement are of course welcome. Rich Posted by Rich I at 1:25

"COMING-OUT" RESPONSES

Most people say that the hardest part about being an alcoholic is admitting it publicly. Many admit it in their own heads, but very few have the strength to admit it to others. Alcoholism is seen as a weakness and not as a disease. Those posts that are labeled "RESPONSES" will highlight every single response that I received after revealing my problem. It is intended to share the love and faith that friends and family have in all of us. Go to RESPONSES if you are looking for loving messages of hope, trust and strength. This is the life-affirming section of the blog. And while these posts are about me, they could just as easily be about anyone. No matter what you may think, people care about you. Once you reveal your true self to those that you love, the positive feedback you will receive will be overwhelming.

FLASHBACKS AND BLACKOUTS

One of the funny things about coming out is the sharing of past stories...what I like to call, THE FLASHBACKS. Family and friends would write me notes and it would cause me to remember a past drunken episode. I have decided to write down all of these flashbacks as honestly as i can remember them in order to show people the affect that alcohol can have on anybody...even a "normal" guy like me. Flashbacks can be very funny...if they were about somebody else. When it's you, they're horrifying. Many flashbacks are incomplete because when alcohol was involved (for me at least), there could be blackouts. As such, some stories are cut short. You can use these like MadLibs and insert your own copy where none exists...afterall, I blacked out...what you write might actually have happened. Share your FLASHBACKS AND BLACKOUTS as well. Remembering those times we'd rather forget can help us grow and heal.